don't go changin'

"I woke up this morning
after our talk last night
with a whole new freedom
in the knowing that
i can be no-one other
than who I am"








'who you are is amazing.
who you are inspires me to
truth I have never
experienced
so vividly before....'

What the fuck are you looking?

memory jogger

Bookshelf

Unable to speak the language
for a mind
that is frozen

I return, finally,
to my old musty pals
who never, ever,
fail me.

dear Eva;(your hair is beautiful- wow-ho-tonight)

As in the hand a match glows, swiftly white
before it bursts in flame and to all sides
licks its quivering tongues:
within the ring of spectators
her wheeling dance is bright,
nimble, and fervid, twitches and grows wide.

And suddenly is made of pure fire.

Now her glances kindle the dark hair;
she twirls the floating skirt
with daring art into a whirlwind
of consuming flame,
from which her naked arms alertly strike,
clattering like fearful rattlesnakes.

Then, as the fire presses her too closely,
imperiously she clutches it and throws it
with haughty gestures to the floor and watches
it rage and leap with flames
that will not die - until, victorious,
surely, with a sweet greeting smile,
and holding her head high,
she tramples it to death with small,
firm feet.



Rainer Maria RILKE-The Spanish Dancer

you must wake-up now

'remember that not getting

what you want is sometimes

a wonderful stroke of luck'.

Dalai Lama.

tagg

Here are the rules:
* Mention the rules on your blog.
* Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about yourself.
* Tag six other
* Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that lets them know they are tagged.

T h e I n c u b a t o r

Incubate .v. 1 develop (something, especially an infectious disease) slowly without outward or perceptible signs.

Incubator .n.2 an enclosed apparatus providing a controlled and protective environment for the care of premature babies.


I was born skinless, with a double-dose of sensitivity
and my heart, big as the sky - fragile as a paper plane.

Growing up, I experienced deep and meaningful one-on-one friendships.
I realise now with hindsight, they where love affairs.
By fifteen and already three times broken hearted - my stylus wearing thin
and constantly covered in ooze, the only thing I could do was to fall asleep;
even in the middle of the day.

Like honey is the sleep of the just.1

After six weeks, I emerged from my great depression and slumber,
bought a racer and a Walkman and rode until my batteries went flat.
It appeared that everything had changed.
Then after getting soaked in the rain several times, I came to realise
that everything was the same, but - I had changed.

What am I looking at?

'Thus, the visible produces faith
in the reality of the invisible and
provokes the development of an inner eye
which retains and assembles,
and arranges,
as if in an interior,
as if what has been seen
may be forever partly protected
against the ambush of space,
which is absent.' (Berger)



At the time these computed tomographic scans where taken,
I did not know what lurk within.

The CT scans exposed the existence of
my teratoma tumour;
it's physical presence
inside my internal structure
- inhabiting my inner space.
Embedded in the confines of my
inner fleshiness, pressing against
my heart, my teratoma existed,
purely and simply, because
I exist.



The discovery of my teratoma initiated
a surgical process
of removal and in doing so,
a going beyond the surface,
was
inevitable.

What had previously been unknown
became known and what was present
soon became absent.

Blending mind and body and attempting
to go beyond the surface,
I discover myself looking
at history by looking at
the present.

Themes of absence, loss,
separation, death,
reoccur and this repitition
engenders memory, my memory,
thaT is intrinsically
connected to notions of separation,
separateness
and a curiosity in discovery
of
the other.



These photographs echo memento mori.

The embodiment of an experience
from which memories
have surfaced, I find
myself paradoxically pushing
in beyond the surface.
By looking at the photographs
I am looking at a relationship
between love and loss,
presence and absence,
life and death.

Mortality

Rememberance - one year, two months, twenty three days on

Remember Your Vitals

In times of illness
my mind gets stuck



and i feel a heightend
sensitivity



that renders me skinless



i can no longer face what
is in front of me



and though my head is full
with one giant worm
i am fortunate



i still have all my teeth

(for Ed)

birdlands

P O R T O B E L L O


Whilst on a meander

down the seaside,

a boy with no home suddenly asked,

'where dae' birds go tae die?'

All at once I was gladdened

by this ramstougar lad,

scant in every way

but for his heart.

Then, with swollen salty chafts

and crafty charcoal eyes, he

looked up tae the sky

then said,

why dae we no' see birds
fall from the sky when they die?

Puzzles From Wonderland

All too soon will Childhood gay
Realise Life's sober sadness

(Dead beat but getting better
with each and every
passing day.)





Three sisters at breakfast were feeding the cat,
The first gave it sole - Puss was grateful for that:
The next gave it salmon - which Puss thought a treat:
The third gave it herring - which Puss wouldn't eat.

(Explain the conduct of the cat.)
( Lewis Carrol)

Ode an die anonymen

(Schande über Sie)
Wenn irgend jemand rief Sie mutig
Sie wissen, dass ihr eine Lüge
Falls irgend jemand rief Sie mutig
Sie wissen, dass ihr eine Lüge
Haben Sie jemals das Gefühl, dass die Leute sehen können, über Sie?
Ich weiß, dass Sie nicht-Sie wissen, dass Ihr Betrug leer
und wann fühlen Sie sich wie Ihre Haut ist in Brand
die Hitze Pricking Dir tausend Sandkörner
diese liegt Aufholjagd mit Ihnen
und wenn Ihr Gesicht tatsächlich schmilzt
ein Tag in Kürze
zu zeigen, dass der Zerfall liegt innerhalb
wir werden sehen, dann werden wir
, ist hässlich wie die Sünde!

Ode To Anonymous
(shame on you)

If anyone ever called you brave
you know that it's a lie

If anyone ever called you courageous
you know that it's a lie

DO you ever feel that people cAN see through you?

i know you do-you know your a fraud-empty-rattling around within your tiny mind

and when you feel like your skin is on fire
the heat pricking you like a zillion grains of sand
those lies catching up with you

and when your face actually melts
one day soon

revealing decay, sticky, sweating within

we'll see then shall we
oh yes we'll see

who is ugly as sin!?

Ode To Anonymous Inflil'traitor'

Jamie & Sammy forever

Due to a possible lock down,
Jamie may not
receive his call today.



My girlfriend right,
she's really hard man.
If anybody ever fucks with me I just set Sam on 'um.
She sort's 'um out.
She's amazing.
One time, swear to god, she stabbed me.
Right here. Three times.
No... I deserved it.
I fucked up big time.
Fuck.
Taught me a lesson.. fucken right..
She's mad like.
Totally loves me man!
She's totally fucken amazing...
I mean...another time right..
(sound of telephone intercepts)
that's her now....
is it...?



The familiar recorded message
from HMS Dame Phyllis Frost Women's Prison
aka Deer Park,
asked in a monotone
if I would receive this call.



A quick nod over to Jamie,
whose eyes lunged out toward me
inquisitively;

hop over to interview room one Jamie.
I'll just put you through.

1984

When I left home, my little sister wrote me a letter on her shinny aluminous green writing paper usually reserved for special occasions or times like this, and sent it.



I had only moved out one week before.


Lindsey's careful handwriting told me I had missed out because she had been allowed a chippy for tea that night, but I was lucky, since last night it was Mum’s mince and tatties!




I remember being chuffed to receive my first letter through the letter box of my first flat, but that's not all. Whilst holding in my hands, those slightly tattered sheets of paper inscribed with my sisters words, I felt something that can only be described as clenched from within. Suspended between the lines lay an absence of the other and gripped by a pang of sadness, I turned the volume up and made more toast.