What am I looking at?

'Thus, the visible produces faith
in the reality of the invisible and
provokes the development of an inner eye
which retains and assembles,
and arranges,
as if in an interior,
as if what has been seen
may be forever partly protected
against the ambush of space,
which is absent.' (Berger)



At the time these computed tomographic scans where taken,
I did not know what lurk within.

The CT scans exposed the existence of
my teratoma tumour;
it's physical presence
inside my internal structure
- inhabiting my inner space.
Embedded in the confines of my
inner fleshiness, pressing against
my heart, my teratoma existed,
purely and simply, because
I exist.



The discovery of my teratoma initiated
a surgical process
of removal and in doing so,
a going beyond the surface,
was
inevitable.

What had previously been unknown
became known and what was present
soon became absent.

Blending mind and body and attempting
to go beyond the surface,
I discover myself looking
at history by looking at
the present.

Themes of absence, loss,
separation, death,
reoccur and this repitition
engenders memory, my memory,
thaT is intrinsically
connected to notions of separation,
separateness
and a curiosity in discovery
of
the other.



These photographs echo memento mori.

The embodiment of an experience
from which memories
have surfaced, I find
myself paradoxically pushing
in beyond the surface.
By looking at the photographs
I am looking at a relationship
between love and loss,
presence and absence,
life and death.