Wednesday, March 24, 2010

walking and falling at the same time

what on earth am i doing now then?
to answer that i need to take a look at where i have come from.

seven years ago to the day [next monday that is], i woke up frozen,
with a pain running through the core of my existence and my head
jam-packed-full with fear [false evidence appearing real].
impending doom.
[oh no, not that old chestnut].

i had reached the jumping off place.

i drove my brother Richard and my nephew Magic-Hands Ali, to tullmarine airport, hugged and said goodbye.
then i took myself of to fitzroy baths where i swam forty lashes of the 50m pool.

i have not had a drink since.

nine months later i met a girl called sue.
a whirl-wind romance, a shot-gun wedding and nine months later
a baby called maggie-rose.

then one morning in 2006, after many mornings, of being jolted from my semi-slumber, gulping for air with a tightness in my chest and hands around my throat-
sue said, 'you gorra go.'
i said, 'i know.'

i jumped off, landed and learned how to walk.

fast approaching forty, i decided to do what i wanted to do when i was 8.
i went to art school.

six months into my degree, i had open heart surgery.
my teratoma tumour was removed, i hemorrhaged and almost died.

complete surrender.

i recovered and continued my studies,
graduating in november 2009 with distinction.
i am the only member of my family to have completed a university degree.

in december last year i returned to scotland to visit my family.
on the second day i met a girl and something happened.

the whole of europe was entirely covered in snow.
the girl and i flew to berlin and nothing to this point has been more wonderful
than those four days.

everything snowballed - i had come to a crossroad.

one night whilst in edinburgh i asked my higher power for a sign.
i do this sometimes.
for a long time i have been trying to decide about where in the world i should be - geographically speaking. i want to return to edinburgh, but i don't want to leave melbourne.

a conundrum - forever split.

a loud voice, my voice,reverberated loud and clear inside my head:
'how many more fucken signs do you need?!!'

no longer at a crossroads, i have returned to melbourne where i am commencing my studies, this time in honours.

the unnamed arrives on june eleven for twelve months.
i plan to return to edinburgh next year - until then
i am here and one day at a time i live my life in accordance
to my inner voice. I try to walk the walk and listen.

take the cotton wool out your ears and put it in your mouth

[long distance from edinburgh, my mum said to me last year: you are destined to be successful in your studies. you work hard. although you are an independent woman and have paid your own way, you will meet someone and everything will change forever. and one more thing, the girl you will meet is here in edinburgh!
my mum says stuff like this - we call her the oracle!!]


  1. Your words truly move me. I feel very lucky to be part of your life i thank god you survived and thank god for meeting you. Life will never be the same again.

  2. i loved reading this and it made me physically in tears are a wonderful woman and so proud ur my sister

  3. Raw Emotion...Beautiful&Honestly Expressed...Lifes Journey...The Long and Winding Road...continues.....

  4. thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope, lesley and welcome back to melbourne. hopefully it's as ediburgh-ish as it can be.

  5. hell-you-speak-a-ma-language-lady-lauren....heh heh. thanks for sharing!

  6. yeah mate - i think we've got mutual friends ;)