walking and falling at the same time

what on earth am i doing now then?
to answer that i need to take a look at where i have come from.

2003
seven years ago to the day [next monday that is], i woke up frozen,
with a pain running through the core of my existence and my head
jam-packed-full with fear [false evidence appearing real].
impending doom.
[oh no, not that old chestnut].

i had reached the jumping off place.

i drove my brother Richard and my nephew Magic-Hands Ali, to tullmarine airport, hugged and said goodbye.
then i took myself of to fitzroy baths where i swam forty lashes of the 50m pool.

i have not had a drink since.

nine months later i met a girl called sue.
a whirl-wind romance, a shot-gun wedding and nine months later
a baby called maggie-rose.



then one morning in 2006, after many mornings, of being jolted from my semi-slumber, gulping for air with a tightness in my chest and hands around my throat-
sue said, 'you gorra go.'
i said, 'i know.'

i jumped off, landed and learned how to walk.

fast approaching forty, i decided to do what i wanted to do when i was 8.
i went to art school.

six months into my degree, i had open heart surgery.
my teratoma tumour was removed, i hemorrhaged and almost died.



complete surrender.

i recovered and continued my studies,
graduating in november 2009 with distinction.
i am the only member of my family to have completed a university degree.



in december last year i returned to scotland to visit my family.
on the second day i met a girl and something happened.

the whole of europe was entirely covered in snow.
the girl and i flew to berlin and nothing to this point has been more wonderful
than those four days.

everything snowballed - i had come to a crossroad.



one night whilst in edinburgh i asked my higher power for a sign.
i do this sometimes.
for a long time i have been trying to decide about where in the world i should be - geographically speaking. i want to return to edinburgh, but i don't want to leave melbourne.

a conundrum - forever split.

a loud voice, my voice,reverberated loud and clear inside my head:
'how many more fucken signs do you need?!!'

no longer at a crossroads, i have returned to melbourne where i am commencing my studies, this time in honours.

the unnamed arrives on june eleven for twelve months.
i plan to return to edinburgh next year - until then
i am here and one day at a time i live my life in accordance
to my inner voice. I try to walk the walk and listen.

take the cotton wool out your ears and put it in your mouth



[long distance from edinburgh, my mum said to me last year: you are destined to be successful in your studies. you work hard. although you are an independent woman and have paid your own way, you will meet someone and everything will change forever. and one more thing, the girl you will meet is here in edinburgh!
my mum says stuff like this - we call her the oracle!!]

today's gratitude list

Sunday - 12.43pm

Thank you for my lungs

thank you for my hands

thank you for my legs

thank you for the air

thank you for the river

thank you for the earth

thank you for the stars

thank you camera

thank you for my sanity

thank you for the moon

thank you sunrise

thank you for the ocean

thank you Watson

thank you for another day

hunters bog with my dad

view from my old bedroom in leith

berlin - raw remains

berlin is a formidable place.
it has over-rails, under-rails, light-rails, trams, bike lanes. she bares the remains and debris of her diabolical years. it is an emotional place and i feel very lucky to have experienced berlin, whilst she was blanketed within layer upon layer of silent snow.
in berlin - i fell in love.

I shot these photographs in RAW, which is how i shoot all my photographs when working with digital. i have decided to leave these photos as they where shot - raw being the essence of berlin as i saw it.

A Retort To Eddy

We cannot know his legendary head
with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso
is still suffused with brilliance from inside,
like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,

gleams in all its power. Otherwise
the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could
a smile run through the placid hips and thighs
to that dark center where procreation flared.

Otherwise this stone would seem defaced
beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders
and would not glisten like a wild beast’s fur:

would not, from all the borders of itself,
burst like a star: for here there is no place
that does not see you. You must change your life.

Rainer Maria Rilke
The Archaic Torso Of Apollo